I feel like I'm seeing a friend die twice. When we were both 28, my best friend died of a very rare form of cancer. I was in shock the whole time she was sick--I didn't do nearly enough for her-- I have many, many regrets. Her husband remarried a couple of years later, and now wife #2 who has become a friend, is battling cancer, too! Dejavu all over again. Only this time I'm older and wiser. Or am I? I haven't done near enough for her, although I pray for her daily. I don't know quite what to say, even if I AM a nurse. Deep down am I afraid? Afraid to say something awkward, afraid I will once again be close to someone I know will be taken away? I have expressed my love and concern for her, and tried to be a good listener. It's not enough.
I try not to dwell on regrets, but will always have many. I regret that I have not allowed myself to grow closer to more people, to really know their whole stories, to allow them to know me in all my struggles and weaknesses. I regret that I didn't spend more time with Carolyn before she died. May I never have that regret regarding Mariann.
Today I had my right knee injected, and came to an agreement with the doctor that it needs to be "scoped". Getting old is not fun (of course my left knee is just as old and is fine!) But aging is better than the alternative. I think.
Sometimes I am jealous of Carolyn, thinking how she is just sitting at Jesus' feet and doesn't have to mess with struggles, regret, disease or questions.