Grief

I got through Maryanne's funeral pretty well. Great sadness and great joy combined. Maryanne is singing with the angels now. I even sang my solo flawlessly, hardly shed a tear through the whole service. But on the way to the cemetery I called Hubby to tell him I'd be a little late, that I'd stay and visit Carolyn's grave too. As the caravan neared Maryanne's site I realized we were burying her next to Carolyn. That's when I lost it. Started sobbing like a baby. Only a handful of people know that over the years I have visited Carolyn's grave many times, to think and pray and "talk" to Carolyn. I'll never have a "best" friend quite like the one with whom I planned both our weddings. I am still grieving over Carolyn and now Maryanne, too. I can hardly imagine what their husband feels.

patience

One of these days I'm gonna get this right. I haven't yet figured out what makes this machine, or the internet, work.

Tonight Eddie Sharp was our guest teacher. He spoke on patience. His thoughts parallelled the chapter I read at lunch today from What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancy. The constant struggle to forgive over and over, sometimes for the same offense. Being patient with someone who offends over and over, or just doesn't measure up to some standards we want them to. The Grace God extends to us over and over. Yancy says: "Only by living in the stream of God's grace will I find the strength to respond with grace toward others."

I also struggle to forgive myself for the patterns of never measuring up to my own expectations, and certainly not to God's expectations. I must allow the Spirit to keep working in me to create this fruit. Fruit of patience, (with myself and others and God), the fruit of obedience.

I learned only in the last few years ( in theory but not always in practice) that the Fruit of the Spirit is produced by the Spirit, not by my good efforts to produce it. (DUH!) Come, Holy Spirit. Fill the heart of this faithful seeker.

ss

Easter

Praise God for Easter and all it means to Christians around the world. This morning during the 5 hours I was at the church building, soaking in all the blessings, the one thing that emblazoned itself on my heart was not exactly what most people think of on Easter Sunday. I guess the usual emphasis is on the empty tomb, and GLORY TO GOD for such a beautiful event. But a few days later Jesus was sitting on the edge of the lake where Peter and the other disciples were fishing. They all hurried to his side when they recognized him-Peter even swam to shore. He cooked them breakfast! He then asked Peter 3 times if he loved him, then gave Peter the mission to feed his sheep, and implied that he was forgiven and loved. Three times for the three that Peter had denied him. It suddenly dawned on me that this is what Jesus does for me every day. I have denied Him countless times, either in deed or thought, and He forgives me every time. Only a risen Lord can be so intimately involved with his followers. HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!

An acquaintance of mine is of the B'Hai "faith" (ok, how do you spell that?) She cannot see why I accept Jesus as the only way to salvation, to God. This is why. I have a living Lord, one who is actively involved in my life on a daily basis. I may not be able to see how his hand is leading me, but looking back I can see those footprints in the sand, and know he is carrying me.
The tomb is empty. There is no statue or monument there. Nothing to see there. I don't have to worry that I am getting all the rules right, to finally be good enough to get to Nirvana. I just live in Him. He lives in me. Praise God!

I have a great fear that just because I have landed in a small leadership role in a few different places that people will get the impression that I have it all together, that I have arrived at some level of goodness. Wrong!! I have only learned to accept myself and let Jesus make up the difference.

enough for today. ss