interesting

I rarely have trouble getting along with people. I think. Since yesterday I've done a lot of soul-searching, and have so far concluded that the current situation I'm dealing with is not one I have much control over, except to control my reaction to it. I really believe that I usually am easy to live with and easy to work with. --Usually. I am only human and have days that I am moody or irritable, but try to keep a lid on it. I actually had a fun day today heaping coals of fire on someone who had hurt my feelings. I was cordial and professional, smiling and light hearted. I received reassurance and affirmation from those who love me and have known me the longest.

misunderstandings

I have had minor confrontations with two different people in two different places in the last few days and wonder if I am the one who is at fault, since I am the common denominator. Both of these situations were misunderstandings in a way. I seem to have jumped to conclusions that weren't true.

I pray that this is not my true nature. I am feeling low as a toad's belly and can't seem to pick myself up out of the mud I've been slinging.

Perhaps my excuse might be menopause. Perhaps it is the stress of impending doom (surgery). I pray that these things are not just uncovering my inner meanness. Is it really there lurking under the surface? I keep seeing my mother in me. She who many people thought was "So Sweet" and I thought was so ugly and mean-spirited.

Do I only have everyone fooled? Including myself? God, please free me of this horrible depression. I know you have called me princess and have redeemed me by the blood of your son. Why cannot I feel that I am totally worthwhile, even when I am not perfect (even by my standards, not to mention God's)

singing more

I'm starting to get excited again about the Classical Chorus starting up for a new season with a new director. Great things in store. Many of our former members are coming back and many new people as well. So Fun!
I also had a good lesson Saturday, and my teacher and I are making plans for me to sing at the NATS conference in the first week of November. I'll sing in the Adult division and just get a critique (not a scholarship) but I can go to hear lots of other singers and classes. It is only $10.00 to register, and of course expenses of traveling, but will probably go with other ladies including my teacher, so lots of fun anticipated. Lots to learn. Great experience for me.

Then we suddenly decided I WILL have a RECITAL, and decided it will be one year from now. I already have several songs I can do well, just need to polish them. I'll sing about 7 or 8 classical songs and 7 or 8 old love songs and art songs. Probably two different dresses. Probably a duet with my teacher. I have never had a recital. It's about time!

I hate that I have to have back surgery, but I am really looking forward to it, if it will eventually help me feel better. Hurts today.

Up early in the morning for reunion group, so early to bed. Also have to get more done toward finalizing my root canal and crown. Tired this afternoon after donating my second unit of blood to myself.

Humility

Well, today's sermon was on having humility or lack of pride. Not recognizing when I have pride is part of my problem. Am I being proud that I have arranged for this surgery? I didn't think so, but found myself being upset with people a couple of times this weekend who were concerned that I might find other options, including divine healing. I don't think I have enough faith, or is it that I am too proud to accept things out of my control? Can I not accept that my arrangements might not be the perfect ones? But that is the only way right now I can have any peace with the "fact" that someone is going to be carving on my back, and using a Black&Decker screwdriver to place screws and plates in my back. Just to trust God that he has answered my prayers for guidance. That He will direct my paths. That whatever the outcomes of the surgery, even if I die from it, will be for his Glory!

fusion

I found my article on-line. It probably will be in the next issue of the Baptist Standard.

http://www.baptiststandard.com/postnuke/index.php?module=htmlpages&func=display&pid=3759



Well, I've gone ahead and scheduled my surgery. Bummer.

I had a laminectomy in 1990. This is post-laminectomy syndrome (which no one warned me about) which is where the disc space eventually collapses where they took out the herniated disc. (isn't gravity and age a wonderful combination?) I also have a cyst on the facet joint on the next level higher (an inflammatory process like arthritis), which means fusing 3 vertebrae together with plates and screws. OUCH! I hate it that I have to hurt more in order to eventually hurt less.
The timing might have been better if this could have been put off till January, but I had such a hard day at work Tuesday and could barely get into the car. I just decided right then that it had to be done. I had already spoken with the surgeon and he had told my primary care doc that he thought I should go ahead and have the surgery, but I didn't feel ready yet. Well, now I'm ready. I'm even banking my own blood. "donated" one unit yesterday and one more next week.
As it turns out, the timing is actually pretty good. I am about to be in full swing in a new season for the Classical Chorus. The surgery will be the day after our second rehearsal of the year. I'll probably only miss one rehearsal, and will be able to practice and learn my music at my leisure over the next month or so, since I won't return to work for 6 to 8 weeks. I should be in pretty good shape by the time the holidays roll around. We'll have 3 concerts in Nov. and Dec. Hope to be walking without a walker by October. Can't drive for at least 3 weeks post-op.

BTW--the article was a result of a speech I was asked to give in July for a committee of the Board of Trustees of the hospital. It was very nicely edited by Bruce Lampert. I had no acknowledgment that it actually had been accepted into the publication. Just decided to look it up, and there it was! Maybe it will be in the next print issue, or just be on-line.
ss

Falling apart

Well, tomorrow I'm doing what my dentist wants me to, and having a root canal. Yukk!! Idonwanna!! I haven't had one since the first one about 15 years ago, and I vowed if I ever did again I'd take the day off work, so I have a day off whether I feel bad afterwards or not. Luckily the surgery schedule is light tomorrow, so they won't really miss me anyway. I am still in a quandary as well about when to have back surgery. My second opinion doctor says I will not get any better without surgery. The surgery I had in 1990 has finally caught up with me. The disc space has collapsed and the 2 vertebrae need to be separated mechanically. DOUBLE YUKK!! For the time being I can get by with minimal pain. The steroid injections have helped. But that's not a permanent fix, and can eventually damage the bones, and has awful side-effects. And as M.D. #2 reminded me, the pain gets embedded after a while. The nerve pathways that the pain travels get imprinted, and the pain might not go away even when there's no reason to hurt. What is slightly crazy but characteristic of me is that I am thinking of scheduling my surgery around concerts. I think I might be able to live with it until January. By then we will have had the joy of a concert with the philharmonic orchestra and their new conductor, as well as with the chorus's new conductor. I must sit down and write out pro's and con's. I have been praying for God's guidance, for me to make the decision based on logic and sound advice, not just on emotion and my love for singing.

Computer illiteracy

I get so frustrated with blogging. I posted something a couple of days ago, and know it is out there, because someone commented and it forwarded to my e-mail. But if I pull up my blog on my computer that latest post isn't there. I tried clearing my cache, and I think I did it right, but still don't see that post. I've re-published the whole blog twice in the last couple of days. Anyone know anything else I'm doing wrong?

Torch singer

Well, I finally did what I've been saying I wanted to do, and it ended up I really DID like it! I had been afraid that I would flop, not be able to do well, humiliate myself, but didn't. Saturday night, I sang about a dozen songs at a restaurant that has a piano and good food. Usually the piano player sings with his own accompaniment or the waiters sing. I sang Memory, which is what I used to think is a very difficult song, but did fine. And a bunch of really old songs. Love songs and "Don't Leave Me" kinda songs. Great fun for someone who has come into this so late in life. I hope one day all this will lead to some "paying gigs". That would REALLY be fun!

Audition

I have this love-hate thing for auditions. I love to sing. I hate to get nervous and not sing as well as I might have. I love having an audience, I hate to think what they might think of me.
I am glad to have had this experience of an audition for the community theater director. I knew up front that this play had no part for a middle aged woman. The experience was good for me, and who knows. I did well enough that he might actually call me sometime when he needs a singer for a fund raiser or something. Or even think kindly of me if in the future I audition for a play that I might fit in.
Every audition makes the next one easier. I hope.

The Classical Chorus audition is Aug. 22nd. I will, no doubt, be more comfortable with this one although I will likely have to sight read a little. I'm pushing for lots of people to join me in the auditions even if they never have tried the chorus before. We need lots more singers than we had last spring. That was really pathetic. Our new director will bring personality, quality, class and professionalism to the chorus that has been lacking the last couple of years. This in turn will bring the quantity that is required for additional quality. Win-win situation.